


An Open Monologue to John Watson

by socomessnow (thoughtfulwishing)



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Best man speech callback, Canon Compliant, I just needed to know what Sherlock would even say to John, Johnlock - Freeform, Love Confessions, M/M, Monologue, One Shot, Post Mary, Post-His Last Vow, Resolved tarmac scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-24 15:37:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1610339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thoughtfulwishing/pseuds/socomessnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock has never been up front with John about his emotions. It's at the core of the misunderstanding that separates them. This time, he elects to tell John the whole truth.</p><p>"But I thought you were a sociopath."</p><p>"I don't know what to say, John. But I suppose I will say this: this would be a lot easier if I were a sociopath."</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Open Monologue to John Watson

_But I thought you were a sociopath._

I don't know what to say, John. But I suppose I will say this: this would be a lot easier if I  _were_  a sociopath. I certainly wish I were. If that were the case, I could bury any feelings I developed toward you, or better still, they would never arise in the first place. As it is--John. I am... in love with you.  
  
No--don't. Don't say anything. Not yet.  
  
This is all I meant to say... Always, though I never did. Don't know that I could have done before now. Actually, I do--on the tarmac, before I left, I meant to. I was flying off to an undercover job, yes, but ultimately, to my death. But... I had hurt you enough already.  
  
Have... I  _have_  hurt you enough already. I've lied and lied to you. Always. Many times for my own self-preservation. But at your wedding, John, when I realized  _you_ had been lying too and you had been interested in me all along-- _don't_  speak yet, John, it's a matter of fact, a simple deduction that was the only possible explanation of  _all_  the facts, don't try to argue--when I realized how you felt, how you always felt, it was too late.  
  
To be frank, John, I am truly quite incredible. My intellectual skills are unprecedented. Scotland Yard would be rendered categorically useless if it were not for my help. Hundreds of people would be baffled by their petty injustices and remain that way did they not seek my assistance. People need me. But you see, I could never think so highly of myself as to consider myself worthy of your good favor. I told you as much during my speech at your wedding. I reiterate it now. While I pride myself on my deductive reasoning and high turnover of accuracy and results, I had grossly underestimated the value you place on me. But... I lied, John. I knew you were a romantic, but I dared not dream you truly thought me a worthy recipient of that part of you.  
  
If I permitted myself to entertain the idea, it was already too late for me. But the fact remained, and I knew and could not help... I finally, consciously acknowledged the fact of my longstanding and deeply irrational love for you... John Watson.  
  
I swore to myself a very, very long time ago that I would never allow myself to fall into such a vulnerable, idiotic position of powerlessness by another person. I have said, and still feel, that sentiment is the downfall of all who succumb to it. But just because I  _reasoned_  that I  _should not_  fall prey to and thus die by my own emotions does not mean that I can wish them away when they demand acknowledgement. As I've said, John, my feelings for you in particular  _demanded_  my acknowledgement... like nothing I've ever felt before.  
  
And I've been shot.  
  
...Well. I suppose that makes us even.  
  
So... John. I do not unduly expect anything, really, from what I've just told you. I could probably go on, in fact, but thankfully I happen to be aware that I tend to ramble on a bit when I don't shut up while I'm still coherent.  
  
I just... I thought... you should know. I've lied enough already.  
  
You deserve to know.  
  
And if--John, I'm not entirely sure of where I stand with you at the moment, and I've just gone against everything I've ever worked for and am feeling rather exposed, so I would appreciate it immensely if you could help me out here--John, if... you'll still have me... I-I wonder...  
  
Would you?

**Author's Note:**

> Not my first fic, but my first Johnlock posted publicly. My headcanon is heavily influenced by loudest-subtext-in-television, always, so naturally my fic is too. <3


End file.
